upbeat with success & cold feet

Wow when would I stop with those titles. I really try to keep it upbeat for this online open diary but we’ll see how i feel as time goes by. I extremely loathe Fridays like these and I try my best not to depend on anyone for my happiness but it surely helps when you have company to do little things. Maybe also this can give some introspection on how other’s feel on a normal day like this I suppose.

So Happy November and Welcome to November 2018. Looking back I remember when I was younger I could reminisce on winter pics on photography blogs which were now up and running okay maybe I was already and adult lol. Point being this is usually my favourite time of the year the last three months. Looking back at the success along with the sadness which clouded a lot of this year, it was really bittersweet. Writing this is difficult in itself and I have slight PTSD being out of school which is essentially a break because around this time we Both who run this blog are neck deep in mid-terms and finals prep.

So case in point among the bitter aspects of 2018 the sweet was completing one part of the journey. I never profess that we or I am special because a lot of folks grow through much more worse in life. I guess it’s sometimes my Type A personality acting out? I think if I even am it’s possibly a minor part lol , I do have the to do lists etc out and I can be extremely organized when need be to a possibly unhealthy point.

But opening any new chapter can be tremendously nerve wrecking, you wonder if to progress forward or to stay in a warm cozy comfort zone or more so being forced into one. That is in itself  another drawn out topic. I have been really okay in a particular aspect of my weekend life of saying NO to something I usually do and now I felt that with age and pressure I am no longer succumbing to that. The irony is with me saying NO now I have begun to see a different and also disappointing side to people that I partially anticipated.  Still sooo shocked that what this institution professes they do not actually PRACTICE. However C’est la vie right?

It was both our birthdays just a few days ago and one addition in life besides my age I keep thinking about. All the dreams and fantasies we hope for, how terrible a life when you do not even attain any of it. I believe that one day we all have to account for how we lived and what we did and also that when we leave this lovely but many times sad earth we take nothing but ourselves. However as the natural curious person which I am. I wonder can people block you from attaining those heights based on their own  fears and sometimes envy? Why do people who are sometimes 2x or even 3x your age always want to direct where you should go when THEY have lived or seem content with life. I also believe we should never just give up on anything but pursue it with fervour.

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming of things that seem impossible because the feeling after you get them cannot even be contained or properly expressed. Especially when people say that YOU Cannot! I also believe that regardless of what is placed in your head you have to strip away from toxic people regardless of who they are to you. Some people can block everything for you especially when they assume the role of protector to which they never had. So such are the ramblings on a friday, one that is pretty difficult and I am also learning not to really place any added pressure on people or even take on issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me.

I will forever be that internal which sometimes get external optimist even with opposition all around.

elandos just staying strong

xxo.

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Allow me to grieve in peace a personal piece……

My goodness it is the people who take other’s sufferings to themselves. Also people who do not know how to give some direction to their own lives but wish to police mine. So I am a student in the art of silence. So far I think I have been failing miserably. I will usually lash out when people bray however not lately and not today.

The bubble land dreamer comes knocking at my door oh fix your face and don’t be sad anymore. If people would respect their words to do something under a gloomy dark feeling easily has no effect. Another reason for my current situation is the negative clouds surrounding my usual sunny demeanor. Many even those close to my own do not enjoy when I am too happy. They prefer me to feel worthless and defeated, then they feel completed.

It is troubling when she comes in all in a whim cleaning as she speaks because of her anxiety at peak, indicating the zealot has so much to do on their own. However I wouldn’t ask. I really needed the first step to be done and I still do feel I did so much of it on my own. Even that I am not allowed to bask in. Narcissism is maybe something we all learn just some are more advance at making it a lifestyle. His man theory of everything is along his umbrella of constant eggshell avoiding and more obsessed with ruling a zealot foundation, it isn’t at all remotely aligned with what any of us want. Conveniently bubble dreamer is used as a tear jerker and gas lighter but it’s almost 30 years too long of a repeated dance that I too am tired to foxtrot along with.

In MY grief and despair  I am told how to show my fear. Upon an event yesterday that I won’t forget. I was told by the bubble dreamer not to deal with anything or communicate like an adult but to ensure the outside world doesn’t get a preview of the real plot that happens in the mansion de zealot. So yet again it’s not about what or how you feel but more about them. It’s all about keeping the front stage in tact even though back stage you’re a volcano waiting to erupt.

I cannot even be happy for my recent success because again I am being policed on what I should rejoice on…… yes. Soon enough would be a continuation of the cycle of fulfilling the zealot’s cyclical disaster that has completely turned be off and I have been internally dead with regards to their specific dream. It is essentially all that matters once under this umbrella. They also do not see that their negative attitude on everything is also my success blocker.

No musings today, the only somewhat example of how I want to vent. Can you imagine that level of control, where although you are going through your own personal dilemma people do not give you the space to just get rid of that funky weather.

Elandos

just a post xxo.

Good news even in defeat.

Sundays and Mondays connote the same mood in this household. You can call it held at ransom if you may. People here feel as if they are the guardians of the light. Therefore seeking to go outside on your own wouldn’t happen at all on their watch. However that is great for children and also teenagers I suppose. Well that is if you want your children to be the best scam artists around and perfectly ninja level kids who sneak out and around until they are adults. Living in such a zone can give you severe anxiety and stress like all the time. If you say no it is forbidden and being forced to have another person’s opinion for the will of whatever is the answer to everything. It is basically difficult to be opinionated living in a military base such as this. My dream this morning made is so difficult to continue with this entire exercise. Today isn’t about any literary seduction at all. Its exactly how I feel as I feel. It is the near 30 years of pent up frustration and robotics that isn’t even the intellectually stimulating AI assistance kind.

However in all things balance my sister and I accomplished major goals this year in all it’s chaos and I am always and forever in the valley of despair hoping for that icy cold and sweet pop that literally can change a mood for the remainder of this year. September all through to December make it days to enjoy to remember.

Always hoping for the best yall.

xxo. Elandos

Rough day….huh?

 

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Sometimes when you think you’re having a rough day, remember some people have been holding on to a rough year or few years. They endure so much more than maybe you can on an average day, especially on what normal people can relax on a weekend… in some instances being able to work on a weekend might be more relaxing than what others go through.

A rough day is looking at your debt and the bank alerting you all you accounts no longer exist etc. a rough day isn’t because you couldn’t go to a party.

A rough day is someone who downloads all their stress and worries to you, who live off a golden spoon lifestyle but economically they’re not on the same level as you,  no one necessarily got you. A rough day is being demanded to do a million things you def not even suppose to do without pay. Period.

A rough day is blackmail whether it be emotional etc. A rough day is being boxed in a room with all doors out locked.

A rough day sees no exit only a maze where there is no end. void, alone, no space,nothing. I could on on several definitions on rough is.

So are you truly having a rough day?

Elandos

rough living til the better path is revealed…

xxo

Dream

Trapped in a person’s ignorant mindset only does them no good, they grow  more bitter, adamant, swollen, puffed, bothered, hoping and praying for your downfall. Sometimes this is from people you should love. However you do not have to allow what they wish of you to come to pass or even allow it to the universe to come through. Days like this feel the most alone but the hope and expectancy of getting over this hurdle and the breath of fresh air is the only inkling to think above and be above and also to move on. Stay positive and continue to live as your own individual. Time is an incredible thing. When it’s time that you came to your senses, everything will have long moved on. Sadly in your head you’re playing a tune that no longer cheers a room & it will be you regretting your actions as time goes on. Confident that time will.make me.greater.

 

Elandos

Searching how to travel by hoping on a feather in a pocket. xxo.

Hey be nice July?

Very disappointed in life & hoping this feeling doesn’t continue for the rest of this year. I’m so tired of living under everyone’s expectations. Living in a constant state of walking on eggshells and not really being free. I’m tired of giving advice to people who don’t care and just here to waste my time. I’m tired of draining relationships, friends who smile but behind your back envious and they have a golden spoon in their mouth but still greedily looking everywhere else never satisfied. I don’t wish this temporary depressed state of mind to anyone even people I least fancy. The sun must rise tomorrow. I am so disenchanted for something I have to do on Wednesday. My initial thought was to just avoid it altogether, either say I’m going and just not appear. Time will tell if these are just feelings of nervousness or aware of something to come. I’m looking forward to a really good July, an exceptional August and remainder of 2018. It honestly hangs in the balance now. Once you cross that 6 month finish line it’s literally a race to the end. Mentally on the beach til we meet again. May-June has been exhausting. Never again.

 

Elandos out

xxo.

If you don’t leave this “comfort zone” …..

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Nightmares consist of not reaching to my full potential and just becoming that person. I do not wish to become. It really knocks me out of a mood quickly. I cannot allow myself to stay in this place forever it is not what you call comfort but if I do rely on sleeping here forever all my growth and experiences would be for no cause. I get tired of forcing uninterested people to come along with me.  I cannot follow your pattern of staying here forever when you have so much you’re holding on to so you cannot leave but I think and see differently. I have to leave. I’ve discovered in the most painful ways the selfishness of someone who is distracted and selectively uninterested and drained myself to appease them. Speed to the ending of this stale story, it really NEVER ends well. 

I think of several different things at once and sometimes that can throw off others but it propels my drive. I don’t think i’ll ever stop doing that nor do I want to. I feel so pressured by everyone to be versions of myself that I stand apart from, observe and completely abhor. I am not that person. I just could never be. Perhaps it is my strong willed personality. One with a cause of course. My method to what others may term insanity. 

I lose all my interest and passions when placed in a box and also when in a situations or even relationships that become monotonous. It really breaks me and all of a sudden the worst feeling is being with someone, but alone you two are together and there isn’t any overlapping happening only sub sets 😦 . It’s just two objects by themselves or one growing into the other. I am no longer interested in those. I always was more mature than my age and heading to that age I really find myself separate and pretty much lonely. Alone from my issues which aren’t special to none. Sob stories should be used intermittently……they aren’t special to none. (dear world I am not sorry). It really is my personality. My reason for the aforementioned is that for the many fail stories exists, there are many of those with a kick ass ending, those that overcame whatever trial and adversity.

That is my ending to which I am heading. I don’t hope to attain that failure ending ever in no aspect of my life. We’re all meant to be different and I am tired of trying to curb that to please anyone. I am tired of giving less of myself when someone else is given free reign to be themselves with no prospect of adjusting for anyone. It is selfish, narcissistic,  unfair and I am the most accommodating  person but always to an end, regardless of what is expected of me and what people say. None of us suffer alone. Also it’s a bad place to feel sorry for ourselves because we’re legit not the only people on planet earth. There is always someone else. 

It is extremely difficult to create a meal with a few seeds on a plate, however overtime those seeds may grow into a plant you can pick etc from and there comes the meal. Not the analogy you’re paying for lol but guess what reading this blog is free. 😛 (must insert the dry humour SOMEWHERE)

This is the way I deal with things and I am learning bit by bit why we shouldn’t regret but use those fail moments to continue to create the journey and destination to our best story yet. This is a starving soul producing a feast for those who believe in that “expectant yet.”

Do you feel me?

Elandos,

always having extreme faith

on something that is believed to be imaginary

and promise to not gloat when it becomes a reality

xxo. persistence is key. 

Uninterested in this Cycle….. Garçon!

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Normally a more artistic type of photo I select when I do blogs. Maybe you can tell by now who does which one….. or maybe not. *crickets chirping*

Diving in………..

I “don’t do” selfish people at any point and I will always speak about it especially when it falls on deaf ears and I simply have had enough. I also do not enjoy arrangements where I cannot feel the other person isn’t moving along with me and after time more so moving on their own beat.

Their problems, their issues, their shortcomings and maybe after a few months the afterthought is me. I fail to see the point too why human beings suffice with just working on auto-pilot in every aspect of their lives. That is not what life is suppose to be. I will continue to fight as much in myself and maybe it’ll show others what I mean by it. Also being somewhere with little to no growth can stunt your entire being. (yes we’re that dramatic today)

I am always very disappointed when people who genuinely are not concerned about you ask you how are you? Never to check on some update. Then don’t ask and this is why i’ll just say fine. I don’t like small bouts of nothings and wasted time. It’s also highly disturbing than a generation is already here that cannot go beyond reading two sentences. Isn’t that alarming……(I too fall short of that at times damn you technology)

Sometimes humans need to be “that different one” to ask again how are you dealing with this situation and I think in more ways just to listen, but we’ve been rooted into that “black mirror” state of mentality……….we’re all sucked in now it’s too late (screams NOOOOOooooo with such intensity jk lol ok that was too corny) It is slowly and surely if not controlled properly will just make society completely cold, removed, calculated and imagine there will come one day where someone is seeking some sort of human touch, feeling, emotion and there will be thousands of people literally around them not even acknowleding the broken person in front of them…….oh wait that’s us (collectively).

 

Elandos 

searching videos online on what to cook

but starving 

be smarter guys xxo.

At 23 Cars are still driving me

Here I am at 23 years old with millions of dreams that I could retell by heart of me moving a car on my own …..by myself. I somehow never crash into anything, but simply progress slowly even though I have absolutely no idea how to move a four wheeler. And my neighbour seriously thinks this is a good time to pound soca music  to his speaker’s capacities.

Freedom in one side of headphones

 

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My thoughts matter what I think matters, how I feel matters what you think matters what you feel matters. I am so glad that my laptop is working again I honeslty think somebody badmind it anyways. Currently have SOCA MUSIC ( to be succinct Hello – Kes) on autoplay, and yes one of us or me listens to soca ALL THROUGH THE YEAR YES AND THANK YOU. You don’t have to shut up and take my money because this happiness is free the happiness SOCA brings is free and as the lyrics of the final lines come to a close and the beat ends tears well up in my eyes.

I have always loved the arts, culture, the diasporic trails that we do have. I always felt like I am not living unless I have contributed to the arts and I have and I always will untill I….stop breathing for good. Unfourtunately I am not free and I do not feel that way. My freedom is kept under wraps, my happiness is kept a secret it’s a gift , a box wrapped up so tightly that no one can open it, tied with a red bow it’s whatever colour you can imagine at first without thinking. It’s like the upsetting yet satisfying feeling of holding your urine while your body is well hrdrated, hearing music at maracas bay but it is so soft that you cannot tell what it is , the feeling that you get when it’s time to leave but that feeling never goes away. It stays there for what feels like forever. Its the freedom that you want but you have to wait to get it’s when you enjoy the music it gets sweeter, somehow louder, its that bake and shark at maracus happiness but in reality you are starving and have nothing to eat. Then it’s the annoyance of having only one side of headphone working but you never get a brand new one because you never have $100 to spare on anything like that and probably won’t be able to in a long time. You get the drift.

The environment I grew up in is one that is incredible stifling and suffocating to the extent that I am running out of words to explain it. It all started where every single moment to spare, would be spent in a place dictated by someone else because why they feed you ok. understood. As you get older every view you have will be controlled and directed in another way than yours. YOU MUST KNOW THAT YOUR WAY OF THINKING WILL NEVER CUT IT. Every word you say will be altered to a particular frame of mind and anything against that is near demonic. Ever outfit you put on, every song you listen to, every phone conversation you have will be analyzed and commented on. Everything that you say will be taken into consideration for a lecture every word, every phrase and you must obey, you must listen all of your views must and will align to the criterion or you will simply go to hell.

Every word of advice will be directed to the laws and there is no other way around it. Wanting to do anything else is near satanic. You feel as though you literally Are the protagonist , your older sister is Mary you Father is Joseph and you Mother is Emily the Chrysalids have now became your life, how does it feel?. Still can’t answer? OK. I wonder how I was even allowed to study the degree that I did, was it a degree that the law approved of?. Everything you do is scrutinized and critisized how do you like that?. Well into your 20’s better be home by 8 because otherwise is late could you do it?. Mr and Misses oerfect could you do it in your faultless life?. Don’t there leave home in a dress if you are going to the beach because that automatically means that you’re lying. Nobody goes to the beach in a dress fuck wrong with you.

Can someone play that rem song please because at this point I don’t even know what i’m doing. What is autonomy? please f$%^& that that dosent exist around here? what’s wrong with you?. You are stuck because the society you live in 3rd world that only has something to offer someone who has a gold spoon choice of living where they want. And maybe someone who likes to party every night of their life, if thats what you like good for you. This is an unhappy life could you live it?. Then why do you speak as if you can walk in someone else’s shoes thats not a shitting thing that is realistic or exists you can walk in the shoes that you wear not someone else’s. I don’t care about all this shit it seems like bondage to me. This thing you call religion it’s a curse and a jail. It’s a guide and a rule book to unhappiness. You follow the rule book if you want but it’s my life to live. Because I eat becuase of you I have to live my life in a cocoon that never regulates for methamorphisis?. This is your idea of keeping me safe , by stifling me that I cannot breathe. I am being suffocated, enough that it prevents me from breathing comfortably but enough that I almost feel as if I’m not alive anymore. Don’t compare your situation to people who are worst that you how is that making anything better?.

How will that make anything better?. Isnt it ironic my degree is in liberal arts yet in real life I have no liberty hahahah no freedom. Wtf, I don’t know what that degree did to me btu I certainly do not see the world as the same anymore, my mindset has been completely changed. Who are you to tell me about my relationship with the maker? who are you to force me to follow your interpretation of a book?. Don’t tell me how to live my life, you cannot tell someone how to live their life. I don’t know any fucking happiness all I know is force and control, all because you feed me?.  If that is the case may goodness grant me a way to feed myself. What is free will in a life like mine that does not exist. Don’t give me advice and please don’t tell me to compare my life to others. Fk you and that advice? Thank you. Live your life and I’ll tell you to live your life how you damn well want to. I believe people should be free, this is not a free world when you don’y have funds. Can you board a plane without a passport or even a visa? or without a piece of clothing on?. I thought so.